Grown Ups 2

If you heard there was going to be a sequel to Grown Ups, which of the original 5 stars do you think would opt out?

Sure, Adam Sandler needs to be in it as the star and producer, but Kevin James gets other movie offers. Chris Rock is still one of the greatest living comedians. Even David Spade is the star of a network sit com. But no! It’s Rob Schneider who had something better to do!!!! I have to refer to him forever from this day forward as The Smart One.

I would tell you the plot of Grown Ups 2, but that would imply there was one.

As far as I can tell, Adam Sandler is back as Lenny Feder. He has left the Hollywood life behind and moved back to his hometown. On the last day of school for the kids (the last day of freedom for the Moms and Dads), he hangs out with Eric (Kevin James), Kurt (Chris Rock) and Marcus (David Spade) as they go from place to place with dumber and dumber events happening. Then, there is some sort of party at the end.

Grown Ups 2 starts with a deer pissing on Adam Sandler in the opening scene. That’s when I realized this was not the movie for me.

This is one of those movies where you need to buy a ticket if you find the following funny:

1) Men wearing the tightest shorts possible to showcase bulges and butts hanging out (and these aren’t sexy dudes, so the ladies can forget any belief this could be a sequel to Magic Mike)

2) Jokes about overly full diapers

3) Half of the characters appearing to have some sort of brain damage

4) Kevin James’s naked booty

5) Nick Swardson

Even the coldest, deadest, blackest of hearts will laugh at something in Grown Ups 2, but you do feel the shame of a Weight Watchers client caught red-handed double fisting ice cream cones at Ben & Jerry’s while the evidence drips down your chin.

Worst of all, Grown Ups 2 makes you feel like Sandler has just given up. It doesn’t feel like the movie actually was written, even if Sandler and 2 other people take credit for “writing” the movie. I’d be willing to believe this was one of those films where they just showed up each day and winged it, since the entire project is some free flowing, let’s see what happens affair where Sandler is happy to take millions of dollars for being the town fool. I think we all know he can do so much more, but those financial failures, even if they were good movies and good performances, have made him retreat to the safe territory of idiocy.

Then, they toss in a bunch of phony baloney life lessons and family junk at the end to fool you into thinking this was some sort of emotional movie with a heart, instead of actually making that movie. That’s like a death row serial killer finding Jesus as he walks to the electric chair.

Grown Ups 2 is rated PG-13 for crude and suggestive content, language and some male rear nudity.