Fifty Shades Of Grey

Put Fifty Shades Of Grey on the same list of disappointing, boundary breaking movies as Showgirls.

Based on the book you might have heard about, Dakota Johnson stars as Anastasia Steele – a naïve college senior in Portland. While she is an English Lit major, her roommate, Kate (Eloise Mumford), is a journalism major who is supposed to interview the man giving the commencement speech at their graduation, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).

Of course, Kate is too sick to do the interview, so Anastasia agrees to take the assignment, only to learn Christian is a studly billionaire who is (how do I say this?) FREAKY DEAKY!!!!!

During and after the interview, as Christian tries to lure the young lady into his world, Anastasia is intrigued by this mysterious billionaire, especially when he introduces her to a new type of relationship (THAT IS FREAKY DEAKY!!!!).

How far is Anastasia willing to go to please Christian?

How far is Christian willing to go to please Anastasia?

Fifty Shades Of Grey is the most unflattering portrayal of women and passion ever written and directed by women.

If this was written by Adam Sandler, groups of offended ladies would be outside theaters protesting with pitchforks and torches. Also, we wouldn’t be laughing as much. (Fifty Shades Of Grey is a laugh riot! You’ll never laugh this much at an Adam Sandler movie.)

The script by Kelly Marcel (based on the book by E.L. James) is full of howlers. Marcel and director Sam Taylor-Johnson are trying too hard to create moments, which leads to stilted, unnatural dialogue that sounds as dumb as it is inorganic.

Silly scenes like a frank negotiation of a sex contract between the two parties are more comical than anything you will see in the Paul Blart movie in a few months. Even the supposedly sexy scenes make you laugh more than raise your temperature and libido. The limits to your own suspension of disbelief are pushed to the max.

Then, Marcel and Taylor-Johnson can’t tell a good story. Fifty Shades Of Grey suffers from a muddled narrative interrupted by some nudity on occasion. The audience isn’t watching a complicated relationship grow with the appropriate give and take needed to raise the movie’s tension. We are just watching a flat story with a premature climax.

Worst of all, Grey is a despicable character not made better by Dornan. Dornan has the abs to make Grey look good, but he doesn’t have the sensuality and sexiness to sell it. Grey is written as a controlling, manipulative, selfish, kind of abusive, almost psychotic stalker. His only redeeming qualities appear to be the ability to play the piano, good abs, and having lots of money.

Dornan fails to overcome all of this to give Grey some sort of intangible force that makes him compelling and desirable beyond the superficial. He doesn’t have a presence that makes you understand why some woman would put up with his junk.

(Plus, isn’t Grey a horrible underachiever for a billionaire? Bruce Wayne built the Batmobile and saved Gotham city. Richard Branson is building a spaceship. All Grey did was a build a playroom where he could get his jollies.)

Johnson isn’t helped much by the script, either. She can’t deliver in the emotional, deeper moments as she allows Anastasia to sound like a confused little girl instead of being a college graduate in the 21st Century. Of course, the script has her turning a blind eye to a million warning signs along the way, so maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised.

We need to learn more about why Anastasia would be so taken with this arrangement, and why she is so sheltered and unworldly, but the audience is left without proper explanation and establishment of the character. Are we supposed to think the big lesson in Fifty Shades Of Grey is that women will put up with a ton of junk if you are a billionaire with great abs? (If Christian Grey worked at McDonald’s and looked like George Costanza, this movie would be over in 2 seconds, no woman would put up with his controlling stalking stuff)

Taylor-Johnson and Marcel fail to make a movie that can convince the uninitiated why Ana’s choices are somehow empowering, inspirational or plausible. Based on what we see here, I can’t understand why anyone would dream of Christian Grey and the chance to be Anastasia.

Fifty Shades Of Grey is rated R for strong sexual content including dialogue, some unusual behavior and graphic nudity, and for language.